Why Hmong People Do Not Have A Country

Why do Hmong people not have a country?  This is a question that has been asked over and over again by Hmong people from all different generations.  Jacky Lo, a graduate student studying Hmong Culture, Rights, and Rituals at Brown University, has finished his thesis that highlights the underlying problems in the Hmong community.

“These problems are actually all entangled in something that would look like a giant spider web.  Health issues, monetary problems, infidelity, clan matters, why we don’t have a country; these problems are all related.  They’re all in the spiderweb, and like any spiderweb there is a hub at the center.  At this hub we can see a similar explanation causing all these problems,” says Lo.  Lo plans to publish his thesis statement next year but he’s given ZQ a quick summary and a simple explanation.  Why do Hmong people not have a country?  Divorced women.

After gathering much evidence from social media, Wikipedia, and gossip from Hmong elders, Lo found a definitive link to divorced Hmong women.  Godzilla attacking Japan, the Holocaust during Nazi Germany, black slavery, police brutality, poaching, and economic recessions were all caused by divorced women.  That is, divorced Hmong women, to be correct.

During an upcoming meeting at Lao Family 18 very important Hmong men will meet and one of the topics they will talk about is divorced women.  The 18 Hmong men, each hailing from their respective clans, will talk about ideas to keep Hmong women in check, some will talk about what kind of excuses they are telling their wives before visiting Laos, some will talk about fishing and golf, but most will just be there for the beer. ■

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Written by Zaub Qaub

They say he still holds the Midwest's record for growing the largest cucumber, but he modestly claims "it's really not that big" as he tucks it into his pant legs. ZQ is dedicated to feeding the world with veggies from his garden. You can find him at most farmer's markets, looking for the freshest leaves to toss his salad.

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