White Rice Linked To Smarter Kids

HOUSTON, TX – According to a recent study compiled at Rice University in Houston, Texas, the foods that we eat have a direct correlation to our health and now, intelligence.  White rice, specifically, was researched in a long-term 20 year study that tracked the students who grew up eating the light and soft grain.

University researchers originally wanted to study the long term effects of a diet consisting mainly of white rice, but what they discovered was even more astonishing.

“It first appears that students who consume white rice as a main portion of their meals seem to be normal subjects, with no discernible health factors as compared to subjects with a diet rich in bread or pasta.  But the further along we studied our subjects, the more we uncovered what the true nature of white rice can do.  We are still tracking our subjects for another 10 years, but early data indicates that students who eat more white rice are smarter and do well academically as well as socially.  It’s actually a great phenomenon we’ve stumbled upon and we hope to track it for an even longer term”, cites lead researcher Mov Nplaum Yang. 

Students at Rice University are still skeptical about the research and there’s good reason.  The school cafeteria serves white rice, but not the traditionally made steamed rice.  It’s of the instant rice variety and not the hardy white rice versions made from actual rice steamers that preserve most of the important nutrients.  When asked what he thinks about white rice and this revealing study, Asian Club President, Nplej Tshiab responded with, “What the fuck?  Are you being serious right now?  Only us Asians eat white rice, that’s why the study shows students who eat it are smart.  Not because of what we eat, but because of who we are!  You wasted 20 years of research to find this out?  Get the fuck out of here!”

Yes Nplej, we are being serious right now.  And this study shows that we still don’t understand the power of white rice, so we do need to “get the fuck out of here” and back into the laboratories and continue this very important research. ■

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Written by Zaub Qaub

They say he still holds the Midwest's record for growing the largest cucumber, but he modestly claims "it's really not that big" as he tucks it into his pant legs. ZQ is dedicated to feeding the world with veggies from his garden. You can find him at most farmer's markets, looking for the freshest leaves to toss his salad.

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