National Survey Concludes: Florida Hmong Too Smug About Their Warm Weather

Miami, FL – In a recent national survey carried out by the United Task Force of Surveys or UTFS, researchers asked the Hmong population for their general opinion concerning Hmong people living in various states. UTFS compiled and analyzed the data, which then allowed them to extrapolate general stereotypes of Hmong populations from each state according to popular opinion.

The results of the survey are tabulated in proceeding order from lowest annoyance rate to highest annoyance rate:

  1. Arkansas Hmong people love their chickens a little too much, however are generally viewed as overly trusting. They possess a large green thumb (not a euphemism).
  2. Missouri Hmong people are camped out in a tornado shelter somewhere.
  3. Wisconsin Hmong people try hard to look cool but are usually behind the times, just like that guy at the party who always laughs a second too late after hearing the joke.
  4. Montana Hmong people want to follow Arkansas’s example of animal lovin’ except with fish instead of chicken. They also brag a little too much about the lack of drama that comes with states where few Hmong people live. We all know they die a little on the inside each day.
  5. Colorado Hmong people fell off the map a long time ago. Searches are currently underway.
  6. Michigan Hmong people worship the shrine that they built for Clint Eastwood. Every week they bring rice, oranges, eggrolls, and tears of a virgin in a crystal vial as their offering.
  7. California Hmong people are suntanned, hair bleached trendsetters, usually the first to brag about starting any kind of trend even though honestly they probably stole the idea from the Vietnamese who stole it from the Koreans who stole it from the Chinese.
  8. North Carolina Hmong people are generally viewed as gentle country bumpkins who dress in 90s fashion. If California Hmong are the trendsetters, then NC Hmong are their awkward, shy cousins who still listen to Paradise and believe that a girl can get pregnant from sitting in the backseat of a car.
  9. Minnesota Hmong people are viewed as divorced socialites who are still entrenched in a bitter debate about who started the “rice in a bag” trend (from the sidelines you can hear California Hmong people muttering that it was their idea).
  10. Florida Hmong people are viewed as too damn smug about their warm weather.

All surveys collected by the UTFS agreed that Florida Hmong people have the lowest public opinion percentage. According to a direct quote from one of the surveys, Florida Hmong people “…are always showing off their niceass weather. 90 degrees? Let’s facebook a screenshot of the weather stamp and then make fun of all the relatives who are still living in MN where it’s cold.”

Indeed, a quick search of Facebook profiles show a 90% rate of Florida Hmong people who do post frequent and annoying warm weather screenshots, usually accompanied by a mock comment about how cold it is.

Another direct quote from a survey says, “Them Floridians always bragging about their hot temps. How come they don’t brag about other things, like all the old geezers cruising down the boardwalk in their old people scooters running down babies, or the roaches the size of your hand, or Walt “How the fuck does a Mickey Mouse toy cost $50″ Disney World.” ■

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Written by Zaub Qaub

They say he still holds the Midwest's record for growing the largest cucumber, but he modestly claims "it's really not that big" as he tucks it into his pant legs. ZQ is dedicated to feeding the world with veggies from his garden. You can find him at most farmer's markets, looking for the freshest leaves to toss his salad.

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