Miracle Ebola Prevention Medicine

Atlanta, GA – Despite all of the efforts of the healthcare industry, the Ebola virus continues to spread.  The CDC reports that this rare but deadly disease can potentially infect over 10,000 people within the coming weeks.  The first domestic case of the Ebola virus has landed in Dallas, Texas.  [edit: this first patient, dubbed Patient One, has since passed away]  To further stop this spread, all direct contacts with infected Ebola patients are tracked and kept in check.  One healthcare worker who cared for the Patient One is already in isolation after being tested positive for Ebola.  But an interesting fact remains for her other co-workers who also had direct contact with Patient One:  they all seem to be fine.  What’s their secret?

When interviewed, Pamela Yang, a nurse for the intensive care unit in the hospital offered this:  “I knew it was coming sooner or later, so I took precautions that my mother has taught me as a little child growing up which has helped inspired me to become a healthcare professional.  She told me that if I knew I was going to get sick, that I need to drink some of this medicine from a small green bottle.  I never knew what it was, but it has kept me healthy for the past 35 years!  When I heard Ebola was coming, I shotgunned the entire bottle in preventing myself from getting infected.  And it worked!”  What is in this magic medicine that Pam is referring to?

From what we can tell, it is a small elixir of some sort with ancient Chinese writing on it.  Who knows, those ancient Chinese people are pretty smart and their medicine is pretty awesome too.  ZQ was able to order a few cases of this stuff and while the smell is genuinely strong at first, you just know that it’ll work for whatever it is that ails you, be it a common cold or the Ebola virus.  No disease has ever escaped this medicine’s grasps.  You can drink it to treat your insides, rub it on bruises, gargle it, drop it in your eye to fix your vision, but we don’t suggest rubbing it you know where…  [There’s another ancient Chinese medicine for that too, *wink wink*]  What can’t those people do?!  And isn’t it just a huge coincidence that Ebola has never hit mainland China?  Case closed!  Hit up ZQ if you need some extra supplies to fight this deadly disease.  A spoonful a day keeps the zombies away, is what my mom always says. ■

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Written by Zaub Qaub

They say he still holds the Midwest's record for growing the largest cucumber, but he modestly claims "it's really not that big" as he tucks it into his pant legs. ZQ is dedicated to feeding the world with veggies from his garden. You can find him at most farmer's markets, looking for the freshest leaves to toss his salad.

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