Falcon Heights, MN – It’s always a wonderful sight to see our Hmong women in full ethnic dress and spitting some of the best enunciated Hmong introductory lines this side of the Atlantic ocean, but we mustn’t forget about other beautiful Hmong people, particularly our Hmong men.
According to a study done by our very own Qos Xyooj, who specializes in diversity and purely random studies of particularly perverse subjects, his latest research points to an alarming and exciting rise of Hmong Prince Charming participants in recent years. A Hmong Prince Charming participant is a Hmong male who actively competes in beauty pageants, and the competition is quickly rising like the tents in their baggy Hmong pants when looking at the other male participants!
In the study, the increase in participants started around the time K-Pop hit the scene and created some extremely vain Hmong boys who grew out their messy hair and started wearing tight clothing. From around the mid 2010’s to current, the number of Hmong Prince Charming applicants increased from only 2 to about 500 in most states. California New Year events were host to some of the first HPC pageants, but it was Minnesota who transcended gender identities and fully embraced the emasculated image of a male beauty pageant participant. I mean, if Hmong women are winning prizes and crowns, so should Hmong men too! Equality is a two-way street and there are no intersections or stop signs. Although we question if there is probably a driving the wrong way sign up ahead.
Some of the qualifications for competing as a Hmong Prince Charming includes a long list of strict and rigorous achievements meant to produce only the best of the bunch. We asked some of the Hmong Beauty pageant organizations to list their qualifications and the following commonalities were found:
Single and Ready to Mingle
Of course this is a beauty contest, but it’s also a social and match-making event where single Hmong men strut their stuff to show off to potential mother-in-laws looking to wed their ungrateful daughters who are 10 years past their prime (so like, mid 20’s). Or sons, but we’re not here to judge.
Packing a big smile in a small package
They say that a bright smile wins pageants, but sometimes more important in Hmong Prince Charming contestants is their ability to do a lot with so little.
Have a degree or are currently in school
Obviously a Hmong Prince Charming must be smart and be able to financially support their family, so it’s a requirement to be in college or have a degree. Preference points will be awarded to Master’s and Doctorate degree holders (chiropractors are not real doctors, fyi). GED’s are not accepted and you’ll probably be banned from the premises for even attempting to get in the door at these prestigious pageants.
Never been married, divorced, or gone for the 3 day ceremony but sent back
This is actually a real requirement from the Hmong American New Year’s pageant application, which reads:
You cannot be married, divorced, gone for the 3 day ceremony but sent back, have ever had a child, be widowed, and/or be an exotic dancer. (Your candidacy will be in jeopardy at any stage of the pageant competition if you become any of the stated above. If you are the 1st place winner, your title will be given to the 1st runner up in the event that this information has been verified and is brought to our attention.)
So all you strippers or secretly divorced participants, it means that you’ll never wear the crown as a Hmong Prince Charming. And if your spouse should ever decide to die on you, then you’re disqualified as well. Sorry, those are the rules.
Suffice it to say, there are many more strict guidelines, but the outcome is that there will be a good field of healthy and qualified virgins to walk on stage and pretend to be good little Hmong boys for the approval of mothers, fathers, other katoys, and judges who’s pockets are padded with enough bribes to pay for their secret vacations to Laos. And holding a crown for a year brings confidence and projects a good role model to other regular Hmong men who are probably laughing behind their backs at a dude wearing a crown in public. Rumors are also being circulated of a co-ed Hmong beauty pageant in the near future that pits Hmong women and men together in a death match elimination where only one person is crowned Best Hmong Person In The Entire Universe. May the best Hmong win!