Hmong Man Marries Chicken

SOUTHERN ARKANSAS – It was love at first sight for a local farmer and his prized new wife.  This may very well be the first of it’s kind, but definitely not the last we’ll ever see.  Local farmer, Choua Tou Chang, has filed a petition in Arkansas courts for an official marriage license, citing that “if gays are getting married, why can’t we have chicken marriages?”  The Arkansas Supreme court has yet to acknowledge or deliberate on Choua’s petition, but chances are very likely that there’s a chance due to an old but still active law on the books.  Arkansas statute § 9-11-869 defines a marriage as “a declaration of a man and his wife to be wed” whereas subsection (d) includes the clause to respect cultural differences and acceptance, without defining race, sex, or species of either husband or wife.  A small loophole that Mr. Chang hopes to explore.

“If gays are getting married, why can’t we have chicken marriages?”

And speaking of exploring small loopholes, the beginning of this poultry relationship actually started at the butcher shop where Mr. Chang first laid eyes “on the most beautiful thing” he’s ever seen.  He quickly bought her and took her home.  In the Hmong culture, when a man takes a girl home, she is to be his wife.  He further states that while some people might be offended by his decision to marry an animal, he quickly tells them that “love some times doesn’t come in your typical size, shape, or form.”  The Arkansas man vows to make his marriage work, whether or not it’s recognized by the state.  “Really all I’m looking for is fair and equal treatment for me and my wife, Suzy.  And if we’re legally married, she can be covered by my health insurance”, Mr. Chang explains.  According to a recent survey, almost all marriages involve spousal coverage eligibility for life and health insurance.  “We hope to have children in the future too”, Mr. Change adds.

If after his petition passes, then Mr. Chang will still have many obstacles and hurdles to jump over before finally settling down with his fine feathered wife.  One of the biggest questions asked by his family and relatives is what they are going to serve at the wedding dinner table?  And do they invite her side of the family as guests or as the main course?  It’s a complex path that Choua Tou Chang will have to travel, but he’s not looking that far ahead yet.  He’s just so madly in love with his chicken, his wife.  Who are we to judge who a man loves, right?  So keep funking that chicken, Choua Tou. ■

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Written by Zaub Qaub

They say he still holds the Midwest's record for growing the largest cucumber, but he modestly claims "it's really not that big" as he tucks it into his pant legs. ZQ is dedicated to feeding the world with veggies from his garden. You can find him at most farmer's markets, looking for the freshest leaves to toss his salad.

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