Disenchanted Dowries: Hmong Girls For Sale

Fresno, CA – Few could have foreseen the frenzy that occurred within minutes of Fresno’s ABC Action News Channel 30 running a story about Hmong marriage practices, but frenzy it was and ZQ has the inside scoop on it.

The specific Hmong marriage practice at issue here is the one of bride price. Intrepid reporter Corin Hoggard of ABC 30 Actions News brings to light the recent case of murder-suicide involving Zyang Vang and her ex-husband, Neng Moua. In particular, Hoggard writes that Vang was married to Moua at the age of 12 after her parents were paid a lump sum of $3,500.

At this not-at-all-sensationalized news report, Walt Disney, parent company of ABC Action News 30, unveiled plans for their next project: selling 12 year old Hmong girls as wives.

This unabashed exploitation of young girls is not uncommon to Disney, who, interestingly enough, also owns the controversially racist radio station KQRS in Minnesota. In third world countries, Disney happily employs thousands of bonded 12 year old girls who are paid sixty cents an hour to make overpriced merchandise for Disney’s “Happiest Place on Earth.”

An anonymous source from Disney says, “This is going to be the modern day Pocahontas. ”

It is interesting to note that perhaps ABC 30 journalists, being the cream of the crop in news reporting, are so enthusiastic in their coverage that they conveniently delete random letters from random words at their convenience.

One prime example is how in Vang’s annulment papers she writes “Respondent brought me from my parents for $3500″ and yet somehow Hoggard reports that their investigators “found court documents in which she said Moua bought her from her parents at the age of 12, at the price of $3500.”

ZQ humbly points out that ABC 30 has confused the word “brought” for “bought.” ZQ also begs ABC 30 to consider that “brought” and “bought” are two different words.

Amid rampant reports that one can buy 12 year old Hmong girls for under $4,000, thousands of white men started lining up and camping out at various Hmong businesses and establishments. This set off a craze in the white community who, according to the U.S government, account for 75% of prisoners who are jailed for sexual crimes.

In St. Paul, white men started lining up outside Hmong Village at 6:30 PM. By 6:35 PM the line was seven miles long and wrapped around Lake Phalen twice. One of the men who waited in line for over 4 hours, Jeffrey Dahmer, whose name sounds oddly familar, said he got wind of the story through Facebook and rushed to Hmong Village with his tent.

Jeff says, “This is crazy. I’ve been to all the iPhone debuts and Star War premieres and I’ve never seen anything like this. I’m glad I’m first in line to buy my first Hmong wife.”

This same craze is happening in all states and cities around the country except for Florida, which is currently out of stock of available Hmong wives.

Humbert Humbert, whose name also sounds oddly familiar, was at the Bingo Supermarket. Says Humbert, “I write books and I’ve always been fascinated with the Hmong culture. Thanks to ABC Action News for bringing awareness to the practice of selling Hmong wives. Now I can own a little part of the Hmong culture… literally!”

At Stargate Child Daycare Center in St. Paul, MN, the lines weren’t as long. There was only a handful of white men lined up.

A person who did not wish to be identified spoke from inside Stargate: “This is America and we do not condone selling Hmong wives under the age of 18. This culture needs to change. At Stargate we only sell used Hmong wives over 30 years of age.”

Although Stargate does not offer any Hmong wives under 18, they are offering discounts for their current products of Hmong wives 40 years and older that are divorced. ■

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Written by Zaub Qaub

They say he still holds the Midwest's record for growing the largest cucumber, but he modestly claims "it's really not that big" as he tucks it into his pant legs. ZQ is dedicated to feeding the world with veggies from his garden. You can find him at most farmer's markets, looking for the freshest leaves to toss his salad.

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